News
Pete Hegseth makes drinking contests against him mandatory for all serving military personnel – NewsThump
2+ hour, 48+ min ago (230+ words) US Secretary of War, Pate Hegseth, has challenged all 1.3 Million Active Soldiers to try and outdrink him in order to prove their stamina for battle. In a surprise Gender Affirming move, Whisky Pete claimed that drinking with a Scorpion on…...
Quinoa not pronounced like that, say experts
2+ hour, 3+ min ago (251+ words) Experts in the emerging field of grain orthoepy have announced that quinoa is not pronounced like that. “We have had a study in the field for six months or so now,” explained Simon Williams, Professor of Grains, Pulses and Pronunciation…...
Man’s Tenerife holiday completely ruined after finding out it’s warmer and sunnier at home
2+ day, 4+ hour ago (206+ words) A man has had his holiday to Tenerife completely ruined today, after finding out it is sunnier and warmer at home. Simon Williams, who travelled to Tenerife on Monday, to spend ten days in the sunshine with his wife, revealed…...
‘Teenagers are too easily manipulated to be allowed on social media’, insists man who believes every Daily Mail headline
2+ day, 4+ hour ago (275+ words) A man who believes pretty much everything he reads on the Internet – including that Britain is a Sharia state, Brexit is going swimmingly, and that the country is currently being ‘invaded’ by dinghy-riding migrants – also believes that teenagers are far…...
Nigel Farage supporters unhappy with all the Count Binface jokes quietly asking themselves ‘Wait, are WE the snowflakes?’
2+ day, 23+ hour ago (380+ words) After a week of social media being filled with jokes about Nigel Farage going head to head with Count Binface, furious Reform campaigners have been forced to ask themselves, ‘are we the real snowflakes?’ As hordes of people who steadfastly…...
Very stable genius celebrates Iran war entering exciting fifth month of four-week campaign
3+ day, 1+ hour ago (357+ words) Donald Trump has proudly confirmed that the conflict with Iran is now well into its fifth month, marking another major milestone in what he originally described as a four-week military campaign. Speaking to reporters, the President insisted the operation remained…...
‘America’s parasites, worms and bacteria are finally enjoying freedom from government interference,’ insists RFK Jr
4+ day, 3+ hour ago (133+ words) newsthump.com Or, if you'd like unlimited AD-FREE access to everything we do, you can support NewsThump here. Yet more NewsThump stories FIFA denies accusations of bias after Gianni Infantino spotted wearing Argentina strip “Our desperate attempts to dismiss Count…...
Americans and Brits get into fist-fight over pronunciation of ‘Dune’
5+ day, 1+ hour ago (213+ words) A huge brawl has broken out today after a group of Americans and Brits started arguing about the correct pronunciation of ‘Dune’. Discussing the new trailer for ‘Dune: Part Three’, the Brits were mocked by a group of American tourists,…...
“Seventh heatwave in just over a year absolutely nothing to worry about” insists man with head in rapidly warming bucket of sand – NewsThump
1+ week, 3+ hour ago (334+ words) Britain is basking in its seventh heatwave since May last year, with temperatures once again climbing high enough to make train tracks resemble liquorice. With 2026 already seeing the record number of days over 34C across the UK, this latest heatwave joins…...
Alderaan destruction just ‘one murder’, insists Rupert Lowe
1+ week, 1+ day ago (237+ words) Restore Britain leader Rupert Lowe has caused further outrage by claiming the destruction of Alderaan was just ‘one murder’. Speaking on Joe Rogan’s podcast, the Restore leader referred to the 1996 Dunblane school shooting as ‘one murder’, before going one step…...